shattered petals fall
fragrant still
garden gift of grace
“Sorrow fully accepted brings its own gifts. For there is alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmitted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness.”
— Pearl S. Buck
Of the many symbols which decorate our home at Christmastime, my favorite may be the star. Our big tree is lit with tiny twinkle lights reminding us of stars, and is topped with a star. A crystal star holds a candle on the kitchen table. My grandchildren draw stars. Joe loves the Christmas Song “Beautiful Star of Bethlehem.” I love the deep mystery of the great star which led wise men to search for a baby. How sweet, then, in this simple and sacred ordinary evening, to slice an apple to float in the cider on my stove and find this star, marking seed and promise of fruit..
Star giver,
Light shiner
Promise keeper…
Come.
Quicken.
Emmanuel.
Advent: season of waiting, expecting, preparing. One morning recently, I walked toward my front door and stopped, stilled with the beauty of light and shadow which shimmered in early morning sun streaming through our leaded glass door. As I received these images with my camera, I considered how much our Advent and Christmas pondering is like this – the shining of Light into our lament and darkness, beyond our closed doors, past our barriers of grief or bewilderment, settling into the curve of yearning in our hearts to create that which can strike us still with its mystery.
“The light would never be so acceptable, were it not for that usual intercourse of darkness. . .God will have them that shall walk in light to feel now and then what it is to sit in the shadow of death. A grieved spirit therefore is no argument of a faithless mind. ~Richard Hooker
” I’ve remembered this truth again and again as my ups decline into downs, my highs into lows. This reminder only confirms what I know but still need to learn. Light comes not in spite of the darkness, but to balance and penetrate it.” ~Luci Shaw
I have made it my custom for years now to give myself birthday gifts which no one else can give me. I cherish the hugs and surprises from my husband and children, love every phone call and email, and smile all over with my granddaughters’ “Happy Birthday, Granmary!” But no matter how else I spend my time having a happy day, I give myself music – this is the time when I begin playing my favorite Christmas albums, beginning with James Galway’s Christmas Carol and going on to thrill to an English Handbell Choir, Renaissance pieces by the Tallis Scholars, Handel’s Messiah, and John Denver’s Muppet Christmas, which was the one my little boys loved to listen to when they decorated the Christmas tree. It still makes them laugh and we still play it when the tree is staggering to stand up and be dressed. but I also play Paul Hillyer’s Home to Thanksgiving. And in the last couple of years I have added a gift to myself. I write a list to go along with Hillyer’s music. This is a list of sacred ordinary things from throughout my year and is a way for me to move toward the celebration of Thanksgiving in our family, which also is the springboard for Advent. Since I keep a gratitude journal where I record 5 things I am grateful for each morning, I simply make my birthday list from that journal, choosing 2 or 3 entries for each month in the past year. Just remembering and writing these things is a reminder of hope and joy. What a gift!
Gratitude
In my 72nd year, these are things for which I give thanks:
greens from our garden on the table with peas and cornbread
time to curl up with a book
walking around the lake on a clear, cold day
pain management for Joe
silent room, dark except for Christmas tree lights
Christ, who came, is come, and will come
warming my aching fingers on my coffee cup
my son taking down the Christmas tree and making our dinner
safety during a storm
winter sunshine after the winds
puttering and pruning in the garden
rainbows on the floor from the prism in leaded glass at our front door
the buttery taste of winter squash
memories of babies and boys
my husband’s gentle spirit
morning quiet time
13 bean soup
settling, being settled
deep colors of roses blooming in January
mockingbird singing on top of our rose arbor
“hope is that thing with feathers that perches on the soul and sings….”
Sabbath heart
a perfectly timed call from a dear friend
hoping in, not for
the poetry of Luci Shaw
my nursing education and experience
books on hold at the library
planting Cherokee Purple heirloom tomato seeds
quiet – no rushing to fill with noise
still – no rushing to “do”
I keep a small basket of smooth stones, each marked with a word, on the back porch which I use like prayer beads. Somehow, as I lift a stone and place it beside me with a prayer for each thing the word I have written there represents, I am able to focus more sharply and receive these gifts. I keep the same list by the coffee pot in the kitchen and can cover it with the palm of my hand in my petition. Laying the stones down is a random process, so I am drawn to the pattern on this particular day when I look at all of them together. I begin with seeking Light and the progression leads me to the most important request, “Thyself.” I realize that if I could have only one request it must be that, for it is in the presence of God I find the all the rest.
The poetry of John O Donahue helps me imagine he might have had a basket of stones, too.
May I live this day
Compassionate of heart,
Clear in word,
Gracious in awareness,
Courageous in thought,
Generous in LOVE.
– John O’Donohue
I am a list maker. I make a list of at least 5 things I am grateful for every day. I keep a calendar where I list all commitments and appointments. I make a menu list every week and grocery lists after that. I have a list of things which must get done today, and a list of important matters which need to get addressed ASAP. I have lists of projects I want to do someday and ones I intend to do this month or “for Christmas.”
I once kept a list (read journal) of meals I served for entertaining when we lived in Indonesia which included notes of foods which were favorites or those someone disliked. As you see, some of these are lists for keeping and others which need to get checked off and discarded (replaced by new ones, of course.)
I have learned that lists get changed, rearranged, simplified. I have learned, as C. S. Lewis says so well, that things happen which are not planned and are not on my list.
And I love that God, in His infinite grace and patience with me, has taught me that I don’t know all that I will face and need, and so to practice living with grace as the unexpected, and sometimes unwelcome parts of life occur. That (with the hymn “God of Grace and God of Glory” humming in my mind) I am given both the wisdom and courage for the living of this hour, which is precisely, my life.
“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.” ~Ernest Boyer, Jr
Morning Glory
opening with abandon
act of eternal knowing
swirling indigo, unfolding star
royal blaze set by spark of morning light
act of eternal knowing
centered with ember of lingering moonlight
royal blaze set by spark of morning light
given with brilliant tenderness
centered with ember of lingering moonlight
indigo swirling, star unfolding
Gift of brilliant tenderness
opening with abandon
Pantoum ~ Mary Ann Parker August 22, 2012
I use the lines from Mary Oliver which speak to paying attention, being astonished, and telling about it often. I find it applies to so many things: nature, of course, but also words that I read, objects that I find and touch, people and our conversation, both joys and pain. My recent posts about paying attention with not only our eyes and ears but also our sense of smell sharpened my savoring of these extraordinary peaches! They are a wonder to behold with their brilliant crimson and saffron colors, soft to the touch, and a succulent treat as you taste their sweetness. Even the seeds are so beautiful I can’t throw them away. I have them lined up ready to let my granddaughter help me plant them. When I enjoy a peach for breakfast, how could I not be attentive to the way it is beautiful inside and out?
“Ten times a day, something happens to me lie this – some strengthening throb of amazement – some good sweet empathetic pin and swell. This is the first, the wildest, and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.” ~ Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems, Vol. 1
“You can have the other words – chance, luck, coincidence, serendipity. I’ll take grace. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’ll take it. ” ~ Mary Oliver, Winter Hours
Stones and Feathers 